This is CHAPTER 2 of this handbook for people who need help adjusting the to culture shock that results from moving from Brooklyn, NY to Los Angeles. (Or, for people who can help me!)

I hate to resort to driving stories, but they’re just too much out here. I figured there was going to be an issue about driving in this so-called city when an eight lane highway is not wide enough to absorb the traffic.

There aren’t too many people who drive in Brooklyn. There’s really no need for it. And if one happens to find him or herself behind the wheel of a car, usually there is no way to do more than 20 MPH anyway. There’s one rule to driving in New York: If the nose of your car is in there, it’s yours. Driving across this great country of ours this past October schooled me in the driving habits of other parts of the country. In Tennessee, don’t bother to drive even in the right lane unless you plan on doing at least 80 MHP. In Arkansas, there are so many highway construction projects going on that you better have an all-terrain vehicle. All red cars gets pulled over in Amarillo. Don’t run out of gas in New Mexico, etc…

But like everything else in Los Angeles, here they do it different. It’s as if everyone drives with cruse control on. They put their left blinker on while in the left lane to cut across a six lane highway to exit. Let’s try to come up with some scenarios as to why this may be.

I’m merging onto the 405 Freeway. There is an LA native in the car to my to my left going the same speed as I am. For those of you who don’t know, people who are already on a Freeway out here will never speed up or slow down in order to let someone merge successfully onto a highway. I’ve determined that the activity in their brains react to the stimulus of someone trying to merge into their lane is as follows:

“Ah, a new model Chevy Malibu is entering the freeway from the Sunset Blvd exit. Oh my, I wish he would speed up to get ahead of me, because I’m doing my steady 65 in the right lane, which is within my freedoms to do. I really should not have to step on the gas any further. No, this will not do. I am not bothering anyone, I am not going to let the driver of the Chevy Malibu interfere with my quality of life. Uh-oh, it looks as if he is running out of lane to merge from. I think now it would be in his best interest to slow down a bit in order to merge behind me. I could have slowed down a bit to let him in earlier, but I’m doing my 65 miles per hour, and damn it, why should I have to slow down? He had ample time to make a decision as to whether to speed up or slow down. I don’t see him any longer. I think he might have been run off the road. Oh well, it must not have been meant to be. I’m glad my therapist put me on this new Organic Celexa. I am now able to make sound logical judgements in just about any situation.”

I’m assuming here that there actually IS some activity going on in their brains. The transcript probably read more like this: “I can wait to get home to watch The E – Entertainment television channel. I hope they have some news about this Britney Spears marriage. I can’t STAND that CNN and other so-called news channels that talk about boring stuff going on in Iran. Hello! We don’t live in Iran. We live in Los Angeles. Duh! Oh yeah, I’m driving on the freeway. Weeee!”

To be fair, while driving on the streets and avenues, the people around here probably drive better than most of the rest of the country. They are very pedestrian friendly. But this is Los Angeles – eventually you will have to get on a freeway. May your choice of deity and/or L. Ron Hubbard be with you.